On Friday, they removed my grandpa from hospice into ICU, per my uncle, #TheDoctor. Friday after our work, Erick, my cousin Camilla, & I road trip to Las Vegas, Nevada to see grandpa. The drive there wasn’t too bad for a Friday, surprisingly.
On Saturday after breakfast, my husband, two cousins, my mom, & I spent our day in the ICU. Watching doctors & nurses come in and out of the room was hard but seeing my grandpa on a ventilator was harder. Aside from the ventilator, he was also receiving antibiotics for his sepsis, he had internal bleeding (which they got under control over night), & fighting pneumonia. All four of his limbs are starting to get swollen also. The nurses placed had chucks under his arms since there was leakage and small light open wounds.
One of his many doctors told us that his kidneys are no longer functioning and, upon family request, took him off dialysis. Just seeing him in that state hurt my heart. His machines would always beep and go off, his heart rate ranging from 130-150, & he would cough or choke whatever was in his airway, so a nurse would come in and suction any blockage.
When my mom went to visit him Friday night, he opened his eyes and tried to talk to her, but he couldn’t. All day Saturday, he never opened his eyes. There was no movement in his legs either. I would talk to him and try to wake him up by saying, “your favorite granddaughter is here” or “Tatay, I’m here! I’m not pregnant yet, but I’m here”, & “Tatay, drink your Ensure! They gave you more Ensure.” Neither worked, so I just talked to him and listen to our chisme or the ‘drama’ that was currently going on. Which by the way, I know now that I strongly take after my mom and her attitude, RBF & pissed off face included. Ha!
I would attempt to fix his hair, but it just wouldn’t stay. I accepted that his hair style right now is just like Benji’s lol. Not once did I cry during the day, but leaving him that one last time broke me. I told him I loved him so much and that I was sorry that I didn’t keep my promise. I cried and I couldn’t stop. I knew it was the last time I would see him alive and I didn’t want to accept it. Camilla told me to stop, but I couldn’t. I am his first granddaughter & grandchild, hence why I always say I’m his favorite. As I cried, I looked out and I see my mom outside the room trying to hold her back her tears. No one could comfort me. Not my mom, not my cousin, & not my husband. I cried leaving the hospital and all the way home (& still crying as I write this.)
Knowing that his final days are coming to an end is heart wrenching. My mom and her siblings agreed to stop his treatment and remove the ventilator today (Sunday, Sept 25). My grandpa is now just on oxygen and they will be by his side until his final breath, whenever that maybe. He has lived a long 90 years on earth. I no longer want him to suffer. I want him to be in peace as he leaves us and I want him to be happy with Nana.
xo, the mrs